Whenever people say, 'If you have a problem, you can share with me. I'm there with you always.'----don't believe them. Your friends, near & dear ones may say so....but when it comes to the point to actually be with you, you'll always find yourself alone. When a man comes to this earth he comes alone...and when he goes...he is still alone. So it's very clear that his problems would also be his very own. It's easy for people to say something like 'I'm there forever'; but when actually need them to be with us, hold our hands very supportively, we find ourselves alone standing like a fool, still waiting for someone to hold hands, very unwilling to accept that none will come to rescue. You yourself have to solve all your problems. If you just wait to get help from others, then you'll find yourself nothing else as a dumb! Because the world around you only enjoys to pointing out your faults, shouting at you 'what's wrong with you!', 'what's your problem man!' etc and make you realize that you are the one who has lots of so called problems like ego, sentiment, temper, arrogance and so many things !
I've always been a kind of girl who proved herself that great 'fool'!! Yes ! I do have lots of 'problems'. I've got an ego problem, I'm sentimental, I'm very short-tempered. And as usual, the people around me always keep saying me 'you're this', 'you're that'! I've realised....yes I'm a bad person. I shout a lot. I talk too much. Sometimes I overreact on simple issues and sometimes I don't react at all on really big issues. Sometimes I laugh very loudly, sometimes I hide myself from all the happiness. People do their job very well...they always keep realising me that I'm bad. But I've never found a person saying 'Let's try'...'oh ! you failed ! no problem...try again'....not even my parents.
I didn't wanted to be like this. Unlike others I too wanted a happy family. I too wanted to be a nice girl who obeys her parents, talks nicely, smiles nicely, takes care of her family. I truely wanted to be...but I never have been. There are many reasons why I'm so. But that's not the point. The fact is I'm bad! Since the past 21 years, I'm like this. It's not like that I wanna remain rest of my life like this. I do wanna change. But I really need (or needed??) someone by my side who will not blame me for everything I do. But whenever I think any of my friends different from others, s/he proves me wrong....again & again & again. Whenever I start depending on somebody, relying on him/her s/he thorws me to the reality that I'm alone! Some of friends directly told me that these are my problems and I myself have to sort out all those thing clearly indicating that for my attitude makes them away from me. But they never told how to get rid of this. As a human being do I expect a lot from others?? May be. And that's why people stay away from me. Yeah...it's not possible for others to tell me what to do. Whatever it is, I have to do myself.
Sometimes I think, just let it be. There is no need to change for others. People should accept as I am. But then I think all these thought only look good on the pages of philosophy books. If you wanna live with others, you have to make yourself comparable to others. Sometimes I fear that one day I shall found myself alone imprisoned somewhere with people around me having hatred in their eyes towards me! May be I'm going insane...may be I should consult a psychiatrist. But somehow I have to come out of this nightmare by my own. I don't know what to....how to do....where to start. But I'll definitely try. I don't know whether I'd would successful or not...but I really dream that at least one person would say me 'you're not that bad!' before I leave this world.
